Premier League Opening Day Haiku


Arsenal (L 1-3 Aston Villa)

August rain that pours

No centre back or Suarez

Why so glum, Arsene?


Aston Villa (W 3-1 Arsenal)

The Emirates stunned

Benteke sets the stage for

A Luna eclipse


Cardiff City (L 0-2 West Ham United)

Red Dragons whimper

Blowing smoke but no fire

The season looks long


Chelsea (W 2-0 Hull City)

Like he’d never left

Two goals scored then a game killed

Special can be dull


Crystal Palace (L 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur)

Eagles fall deaf to

Hollow Holloway complaints

An act wearing thin


Everton (D 2-2 Norwich City)

A new era starts

Loss turned to win before draw

Ross’s strike excites


Fulham (W 1-0 Sunderland)

How shit must you be?

The rarest of away wins

Big Brede stands tall


Hull City (L 2-0 Chelsea)

Bruce is satisfied

By damage limitation

Tigers with no roar


Liverpool (W 1-0 Stoke City)

Nearly déjà vu

Coutinho, Sturridge shine

Simon saves the day


Manchester City (W 4-0 Newcastle United)

Manuel serves a treat

Excited City hope for

A blue moon rising


Manchester United (W 4-1 Swansea City)

Some things do not change

Who needs a midfield when

You have RVP?


Newcastle United (L 0-4 Manchester City)

Bye bye to Cabaye?

JFK’s shadow looms large

As Taylor loses plot


Norwich City (D 2-2 Everton)

High hopes in the sun

And when August dreams seem lost

The new wolf pounces


Southampton (W 1-0 West Bromwich Albion)

After such a week

Rickie dreams a bit longer

But Shaw the real star


Stoke City (L 1-0 Liverpool)

A new manager

Pass-pass-pass-pass the mantra

Time for pen practice


Sunderland (L 1-0 Fulham)

It all seems brand new

But just like in ‘45

The fascist loses


Swansea City (L 4-1 Manchester United)

Shell-shocked swans regroup

Bested by the Champions

Bony provides hope


Tottenham Hotspur (W 1-0 Crystal Palace)

The new boys on show

Try to distract from Gareth

A first win should help


West Bromwich Albion (L 1-0 Soton)

A worrying start

Clarke’s second year looks tricky

They miss Romelu


West Ham (W 2-0 Cardiff)

A reborn Cole burns

Big Sam swats a meagre foe

As Kev’s chicken clucks